My Wedding Vows to Nick

First and foremost...I love you and I like you.

The day I realized I was in love with you, I sat down and wrote a poem. It was early on…39 days into dating. April 29th 2016, actually. I wrote it down. I couldn't quite make logical sense of how I knew that I knew I loved you, so I wrote it out in a poem instead. And as I read it when I finished, I thought, "I'm going to read this poem on our wedding day." Because even then, I knew we'd be here.

So when I was writing my vows, I went and found that poem...and it's SO bad. Like 10-year-old-girl-writing-about-a-crush-in-her-diary terrible. It’s cheesy and cliche and actually has a line in it that says "you feel like the soft colors of spring" and I refuse to read it to you now or ever because it's truly embarrassing.

But I remember that day and that poem and how I felt when I wrote it because falling in love with you was the most incredible experience of my life. It was the only time in my adult life that I experienced real magic. It was magic. Finding you, learning you, exploring you, falling for you, being with you, the fact that I get to spend the rest of this adventurous life with you. Pure cosmos.

Because I think you are incredible. You are kind and talented and hilarious and adventurous and SO amazingly smart. I admire you so much. I think the world of you. And we fit together so well, it almost feels impossible that I found you. That’s why "magic" is the only word I can think of. Because the word "luck" isn't comprehensive enough. And "fate" doesn't feel intentional enough.

Because never in my life have I know or trusted something so fully as I did when I fell in love with you. It wasn't a rush of emotion or feeling swept off my feet or taking a lightning bolt to the heart. It was...soft. And subtle. And so, so solid. I never wavered. I never wondered. Once I knew, I knew. That's all I can say about it. It was always you. It was always and forever going to be you. You are, without a doubt, the person who was meant for me and I feel like it must be written somewhere in my DNA...because falling in love with you somehow felt like a piece of myself fell into place. Like a piece of me had been asleep and you woke it up.

You brought a piece of me to life. Often times, in relationships, people struggle to be themselves, and with you, it's been the opposite. You've opened me up and widened my gaze and brought me home, over and over again. You somehow manage to be my safest place and biggest adventure, just by being you. You ground me and you push me and you soften me. You breathe life into me, every day. There are ways in which I've learned to love myself that I've only discovered because I've been loved in those ways by you. And you are so good at loving me. Thank you. I love you and my gratitude for you -- who you are and how you are and how you love -- will never, ever cease. You are my magic.

I actually only have two things I want to vow to you today. Might not seem like a lot given that intro, but they're good, I promise.

First, I vow (ironically) that these will not be my only two vows. What I mean by that is that the two vows I make to you here today are the first of thousands of vows. And I promise to constantly make new vows because our lives will change and evolve and grow, which means our relationship will too. And the vows we make today might not make sense tomorrow. And the last thing I want to do is get married here today and expect the title of "marriage" to shoulder the weight and work of our relationship.

So I vow to not get complacent -- I won't let "being married" lull me into thinking that we've somehow surpassed the the need to nurture our relationship. In other words, I promise to see today not as the finish line, but rather as the starting gates, as a place to begin. I promise to put in the time and the effort and the gratitude.

Because it is an honor to love you. It is an honor to know you and all of the places within you. I am honored that you've let me in. And it will forever be my honor and privilege to give you and our relationship, our marriage, the love and attention it has earned and deserves. I will never stop seeking connection or understanding or passion for what we are building together. I will be unwavering in our pursuit of an adventurous, beautiful, meaningful life together.

My second and final vow to you is best described by a quote, by author Tom Robbins. It goes:

"Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules...Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free."

So...I vow to love you for free. Not just when you're happy. Not just when you're successful. Not just when you're passionate and inspired. Not just when you're adventurous and strong. Not just when you're calm and kind. No matter where you are in life...no matter what you think or how you feel...I will meet you there. And I will love you there.

I will meet you in those happy, joyful, bright places. I will celebrate with you there. I will revel in them with you, and I will love you there.

And...I will meet you in those dark, harsh places. I will meet you where you go to retreat after you fail. Because you will fail. And so will I. And so will everyone. Because that's life. And when you do fail or fall, I will crawl into those hiding places where you keep your shame and your worry and your fear, and remind you that you are not alone. I will help you make a little space for that darkness because darkness is not something to be ashamed of, and neither are you. In those heavy, hollow, empty spaces where you feel the most isolated and undeserving...I will meet you there. And sit with you there. And I will love you there. I will love you there especially.

And I will be there, whenever you are ready, to show you all the ways in which you are deserving of the things you dream about. To remind you of who you are and how that contributes to the lives of everyone around you. And I won't do that to coax you out of the dark places, but to remind you of how worthy of love you are, even when you’re in them.

And I've got a third thing that is not so much a vow as it is a sentiment that I say a lot but wanted to say again:

Thank you.

Thank you for bringing adventure into my life. Thank you for growing with me instead of beside me or around me. Thank you for seeing me for who I am, even as I change. Thank you for the consideration you have for our relationship. Thank you for helping me to slow down and appreciate every day moments. Thank you for being my wholehearted champion, no matter what I decide to take on. And thank you for loving me. Because (did I mention this?) you are so, so good at it. I feel genuinely loved every single day…and that, to me, is the most ethereal kind of magic. I am so deeply grateful for you.

Know this: I love you in a big, deep, all-encompassing sort of way. You are my partner and I am yours. And we are about to be husband and wife, but we are a team first and foremost. We are in this together. And I will "aid and abet" you until the end of time.

Because there was one line in that hilariously terrible poem I wrote three years ago that I got right. Actually, it was the very last line.

I wrote, "My heart has found it's home."

And today, with you, with these vows, with this incomprehensible, magical love we have together...today, and forever more, I am home.